


ten ways to say "i love you"

by tonytinystar



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M, Some kissing, all adansey, some soft longing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 02:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20202322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonytinystar/pseuds/tonytinystar
Summary: Gansey doesn’t say anything, just looks at him with that soft expression on his face again.“What?” he asks, a little bit confused. He’s not sure if he’s imagining it, but Gansey might be blushing.Gansey gives him a small smile. “Nothing.I like your laugh.”





	ten ways to say "i love you"

**Author's Note:**

> this has sat on my laptop for almost 2 years. i've always wanted to finish it even as i told myself "trc isn't that popular anymore and this is a rarepair no one cares" but hey i did it!!

1.

They’ve been doing this thing—hanging out, talking about cars and dead kings, being _friends_—for almost a month but Adam still doesn’t feel all that comfortable with Gansey. He doesn’t think he ever will. Don’t get him wrong. He likes Gansey, he likes spending time with Gansey, he likes being with Gansey. Hell, he willingly subjects himself to Gansey’s overly abrasive other half on a regular basis for Gansey.

It’s just… He can’t let go. He’s spent years hyper aware of his every movement, every word, every action, wondering if it will betray his Henrietta roots to people like them. A part of him is always waiting for a look of derision, a condescending quirk of an eyebrow. Something that tells how he doesn’t belong in Aglionby. With them. And that he should stop trying because he never will.

Sometimes though. Sometimes Gansey can catch him off guard. Gansey who can and _will_ talk for hours upon hours about Arthurian legends, the soft cadence of his voice lulling him into calmness. Gansey who looks at him with soft expressions and awe in his eyes. Gansey who makes him feel at peace and comfortable enough to stop being self conscious.

Most of the time, the two of them hanging out means him going with Gansey back to Monmouth. This afternoon is different though. School has let out, his father is out of town and he has no work shift to rush to. It’s the perfect time to show Gansey the relatively secret part of the river that cuts through the Henrietta woods.

It’s something known only to locals like him and he knows Gansey lives for such local secrets like this. Which is why it’s not surprising when Gansey practically rips his arm off its socket, yanking at him at his rush to get there, when he asks if he wants to go there. The usually flappable and aloof Gansey is acting like a hyperactive toddler and the ridiculousness of it makes Adam burst into helpless giggles. The sound of it must have startled Gansey because he stops yanking and just looks at him.

Gansey doesn’t say anything, just looks at him with that soft expression on his face again.

“What?” he asks, a little bit confused. He’s not sure if he’s imagining it, but Gansey might be blushing.

Gansey gives him a small smile. “Nothing. **I like your laugh.**”

2.

He loves his car. He really does. The Pig is one of his favorite things in the world. But what he doesn’t love is stalling on the side of some weird road in the middle of nowhere when he’s already late to meet up with his friends. Usually he’d just call AAA (or whatever the small town version of it is called).

Adam has been teaching him how to fix cars though. On rare moments when they don’t have school, Adam doesn’t have work and he doesn’t have a new Glendower lead to pore through. He thinks he’s done fine though, it’s going well. Or so he thinks. Which is why he takes the toolbox out from his trunk, pops open the hood and decides that he can fix it for himself. Adam would be so proud.

To his credit, he gets to spend at least five minutes poking and prodding at his engine before it sparks and he’s forced to admit defeat.

He kicks at the dirt and sighs before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He takes his phone out and dials Ronan’s number.

_“Hey, Gansey. Pig stall out again?”_

“You reading minds now, Ro?”

_“Telepathy isn’t one of my many abilities, you’re just that predictable.”_

“Thank you for that. Can you come pick me up?”

Silence. There’s a sound of scuffling in the background and when Ronan talks again he sounds a little worried. “_Listen…”_

“Oh no.”

_“Gansey, you know I would do anything for you but, me and Noah are kind of the middle of something.”_ As if on cue, a metallic screeching is heard followed by Noah swearing softly.

“It’s Noah and I. Also, what are you doing?”

_“A very volatile experiment.”_

“Please don’t burn down Monmouth while I’m out.”

_“We’ll try!”_

He hangs up. Sends a text.

He’s leaning against the car, face tipped up to the sky and watching the slow passage of clouds when he hears the sound of gravel under bicycle wheels.

He waits a beat before he starts speaking, “In my defense, I really thought I had it all under control before the engine started sparking.”

Adam scoffs at that and Gansey turns to look at him. He’s wearing faded jeans and an equally faded shirt but all it does is emphasize how sharp and clear Adam always seems to him. Like he’s the realest thing in Gansey’s world.

He gets off his bike and stands next to where Gansey is leaning so he can nudge his shoulder against his. “You’re still getting better though. You didn’t set it on actual fire so that’s an improvement.”

Gansey feels his lips twitch into a smile, and nudges Adam’s shoulder back. Adam laughs and walks over to the hood of the car, inspecting the damage.

Barely a minute later he looks back and Gansey and says, “**Come here. Let’s fix this**.”

3.

Adam rubs at his eyes and tries to blink himself to alertness. He looks at the page he and Gansey are supposed to be studying but the numbers and coefficients have started to blur together. Gansey himself has his head on the desk and is probably sleeping already.

Right, time to call it quits then. They didn’t do that bad, really. They’ve had the concept of orthogonality and orthonormality locked down early enough in their study session. It’s the more advanced parts they had a problem with and that won’t really show up on the exam.

He reaches across the table to give Gansey’s shoulders a little shove.

“Wake up.”

No response.

“Gansey, wake up. Go sleep in your real bed.”

Still nothing. He walks around to Gansey’s side and pokes him in the ribs. Gansey’s head snaps up, wakefulness crashing into him.

“Did I fall asleep?” he asks.

Adam just laughs at that. “Yeah. But I think we’ve studied enough. I’m heading home. Go sleep in your bed.”

“Oh,” says Gansey. He takes a peek at his watch, surprise crossing across his face. “Oh, it’s late. Wait, Adam, I’ll drive you home.”

Adam thinks of The Pig and its accompanying roar waking up his father. Thinks of snide comments and where-have-you-beens he’d have to deal with, at the very least. “It’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“It’s past eleven, Adam. You can’t think I’m just going to let you walk in the dark.”

“I have my bike.”

“Jesus, Adam. How is this a big deal? Load up the bike, too. I just don’t want you going off alone when it’s this late.”

“Gansey,” he says catching one of his gesticulating hands. Adam looks at Gansey in the eye, willing him to understand his unverbalized reason. “I don’t need you to drive me home.”

Gansey gets it of course. He lets out a defeated sigh. “Sure. But please, do me a favor. **Call me when you get home.**”

“Sure,” he answers. He draws Gansey in for a goodbye hug. “I’ve lived here my whole life, Gansey. I’m gonna be okay, stop worrying.”

He feels Gansey’s breath tickle the back of his neck as he replies, “You’re asking the impossible of me. I always worry.”

4.

Gansey hears a muffled thump and a curse from Ronan.

Before he can even turn to look at the commotion, he hears Ronan again. “Whoa, Parrish. Move the fuck out the doorway. What are you looking—Oh.” Even without looking he knows Ronan’s got a self-satisfied smile on by that one word. He hears Ronan laugh and walk over to him. Ronan throws an arm across his shoulders and spins him around so they’re facing an extremely red-faced Adam Parrish.

“Adam!” he exclaims. “I didn’t know you were here. Have you been waiting long? What’s wrong? You look flustered.” He looks sideways at Ronan. “Did you do something to him?”

Ronan just grins sharp. “I’m not the one who did something to him.” He ignores Adam’s hissed out warning to stop talking and continues, “I think it’s his first time seeing you in skinny jeans.”

Oh. He’s not quite sure which way to take that. He’d like to think it’s Adam thinking he looks nice but it could also mean he looks weird. He knows Adam’s mostly used to seeing him in uniform or khakis. That’s his trademark style, maybe the skinny jeans make him look uncouth or trying to be cool. It’s Ronan’s fault, really. He only wears them when he’s going out with him. Ronan always said he looked attractive in them though and he trusts Ronan’s opinions. Mostly.

While he’s having this monologue in his mind, Adam’s been trying and failing to get a word out. He fumbles on his reply before managing to tell him, “It’s nothing, I’m fine. I was just surprised. It… uh… **It looks good on you**. Not that your other clothes don’t look good on you. The jeans are just… nice.”

“Oh,” he hears himself say. He’s pretty sure he’s blushing now, too. He feels his lips curl into a smile. “Thanks.”

5.

He usually tells Gansey beforehand when he’s going to Monmouth. It’s a habit, born out of the early days when he thought that type of formality was required by Gansey and his kind. This afternoon though, he forgoes that notion and just goes straight inside Gansey and Ronan’s (and Noah’s, he tends to forget that) home.

His first thought is that no one’s there but he spots a slight movement at the corner of his eye as Noah materializes.

“Hey, Noah,” he says in greeting and pivots to face him. He gives Noah’s hair a slight ruffle and Noah gives him a small smile in turn.

“You looking for Gansey?” Noah asks.

“Yeah. Is he in?”

Noah nods and points upstairs. “He’s playing with his Henrietta dollhouse.”

“Thanks.”

The sight that greets him upstairs makes his breath catch in his throat. Afternoon light filters through Monmouth’s huge windows and makes everything look golden.

Gansey is turned away from him, fully focused on his mini-Henrietta. His eyebrows are drawn together; elegant fingers working skillfully as he paints a box to add to his mini-city. His glasses slip a little bit and he pushes them up with two fingers, nose wrinkling up adorably. He pauses in his work to look out the window. Gansey stays quiet for a moment and lets out a deep longing sigh. The light makes casts a soft glow on him. He looks beautiful.

“Hey,” he breathes out.

Gansey turns to him and the world feels like it’s in slow motion. Adam is drawn to the way Gansey’s lips curl into a smile, imagines how it would be like to feel the way those lips move against his own.

“Adam,” Gansey says happily. “**I was just thinking about you.**”

6.

He deliberates for a while but in the end, he gives in and knocks at Adam’s church apartment door. Adam stands on the other side, bleary eyed with rumpled hair. He looks so soft, Gansey wishes it would be acceptable to just burrow his face in Adam’s neck, nuzzle him and stay there forever.

“It’s late.” Adam tells him.

“I know,” he answers and adjusts his glasses_. I couldn’t sleep_, he wants to say. _I couldn’t sleep because I keep thinking of you. I miss you. I hate when we fight_. He doesn’t say any of that and instead blurts out. “Calculus.”

Adam blinks at him.

“Calculus,” he repeats. “I can’t get the answer to number four, I was hoping you can teach it to me?”

“Sure.” Adam steps back to let him in, watching him with concern. Adam takes off his coat and drapes it over a chair. “Take a seat.”

Adam sits across him and drags his school stuff out. “So, I think your mistake was not using integration by parts…”

That’s pretty much all he heard, preferring to just watch Adam in his element. Knowledgeable, focused, sure in every word that comes out of his mouth. He lets himself get lulled by the cadence of Adam’s voice, feeling the unease that has lived in their chest since the day of their fight finally settle.

-

“Gansey,” he hears someone say and give him a gentle shake. “Gansey,” the voice repeats and this time he feels a hand smooth the hair off his forehead.

“What?” he repeats blearily, trying to blink himself awake. He’s met with the sight of Adam’s face, about three inches in front of him. “Oh,” he takes a look at his watch. “Oh, it’s late.”

“I’m sorry. I kept you up late. I’m just gonna go home now,” he stutters out as he tries to gather his stuff but he’s stopped by Adam’s hands.

“Hey, no. Stop. It’s fine.,” Adam tells him. “It’s fine and you’re right, it’s late. **Stay over.**”

“Are you sure?” he asks with some trepidation.

“Gansey, you’re already wearing pajamas. Just stay. Okay?”

He smiles at Adam. “Okay.”

7.

Adam opens his eyes with a loud gasp. He shivers a little, more because of the remnants of his nightmare than the cold weather itself. He’s breathing heavily as he lies there, staring at the ceiling trying to calm himself. _Hydrogen Helium Lithium Berylium Boron Carbon_, he thinks, reciting the periodic table as an effort to distract himself from the dream.

It’s never gonna come true. He’s never going to betray Gansey. Never going to do something that will break what he and Gansey have.

He feels a hand on his arm and freezes.

“Adam?” whispers Gansey. Oh, right. He told him to sleep here tonight. The hand on his arm tugs at him. “You alright?”

He goes with it, turning so he can look at Gansey. His glasses are off and his eyes are already half closed again. Gansey at rest almost looks common. Almost. The undefinable commanding aura that surrounds him is always present. He aches to reach across and touch him. Run his fingers through his hair again. Gansey has the blankets pulled up to his chest, knees curled up. He doesn’t like the cold either.

“I’m fine.”

Gansey hums and extends a hand and feels for his wrist, thumb resting at his pulse. “You sure?”

“I’m sure,” he whispers back to him. “Just a little cold.”

“Yeah?” Gansey tugs him closer and shuffles towards him. He raises an arm and covers Adam with the same blanket that he’s using. “Better?”

Gansey’s arm is resting at his waist and at this close, he can feel the warmth of Gansey’s breath on his skin. He reaches out and gently slides his arm under Gansey’s head. He smiles. “Better.”

Gansey snuggles closer and drops a kiss on his forehead before settling down again. “Good. **Go back to sleep.**”

8.

“Gansey, I can’t.”

He tries not to, but he’s pretty sure Adam can still see how his heart breaks when he said those three words. Adam looks wrecked, too. Like Gansey confessing his love and saying “I think we could be amazing together.” is the last thing he wanted to hear. He blinks back to clear the unexpected bleariness from his eyes. _It’s not your fault_, he wants to say to Adam. _I’ll be fine. It’s not your fault that you don’t love me the same way_.

He wonders if it would be worse if Adam just doesn’t love him at all. Because Adam does love him, he knows that. He just isn’t in love with him.

“Oh…” he finally stutters out and wonders how a single syllable could sound so broken. “It’s fine,” he says in a voice that doesn’t sound like his, doesn’t feel like his, like some other person has taken control of his mouth, the words not his own. “I understand.”

If possible, those words just make look Adam more disturbed. “No,” he says, taking Gansey’s hand in his and pressing it on his own cheek. He turns his head to kiss Gansey’s palm and he can feel the shape of Adam’s lips burn in the center of his hand. Adam places his hand on the side of Gansey’s neck. “Please look at me,” he whispers.

Gansey doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want to see how much he fucked things up. How he assumed things and destroyed his relationship with Adam.

“Gansey,” he hears him plead. And that’s enough to make him look. He could never deny Adam anything. “I love you.” Adam tells him.

And he knows, of course he does. They are friends. “I know.”

“No you don’t,” he insists. “I’m in love with you, Gansey.”

His heart skips a beat and he’s so so confused. “Then why—“

“I just can’t be with you right now.”

“What do you mean?” he asks.

Adam sighs. “Gansey, you know why. I love you and you love me but we’re not in the right time nor place to love each other.” He scoots closer until he can lean down and put his head on Gansey’s shoulder. “Right now, this search is your life and that search needs you here in Henrietta. Your death and Glendower owns your mind and keeps you here. And, me... You know I’m going to leave Henrietta. It may not be forever and I may come back. But you know I want to live a part of my life away from here.”

Gansey’s hands have moved to stroke over Adam’s hair rhythmically. He knows what Adam means. They still have separate lives to live and no matter the depth of their feelings for each other, they can’t change that. He knows that. Had known it when Adam made the deal with Cabeswater. Known it during the party at his family’s house. It’s a while before he speaks again. “So, what happens to us?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is that next year I won’t be here.” Adam pulls back to look him in the eye. “And if we try this… _us_? right now? I don’t want us to end just because we both weren’t ready.”

“So we’re just never going to try?”

Adam lets out a sigh of frustration. “We will. We will, Gansey. Can’t you feel it? My feelings for you are never going to fade. We’ll have a chance, I swear.”

Gansey meets his gaze head on. “Okay. I understand what you’re saying. I do, it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. That it’s not hurting right now.”

“It’s hurting for me, too,” Adam whispers.

“I know,” he answers. “It’s why I want to promise you something.”

“What?”

Gansey traces his thumb under Adam’s eye. “**I’ll still be here when you’re ready.**”

9.

When he wakes up, the first thing he notices is the bright harsh fluorescent light. He closes his eyes and tries to raise his hand to block out the light as a reflex. That’s when he notices the pinch of a needle on his hand. His hand that is apparently being held by someone.

He opens his eyes and casts his gaze around the room. Blue’s asleep on a couch, head pillowed on Ronan’s jacket and feet on Noah’s lap. Noah’s leaning sideways on Ronan who has his head tipped back against the wall, the both of them also sleeping.

He looks at who’s holding his hand and feels a small jolt of surprise to see Adam. Adam, who’s supposed to be at New Haven and studying. With the hand Adam’s not holding, he reaches out and nudges at his shoulder.

“Adam,” he whispers. Nothing. He nudges at him a little bit harder and calls again. “Adam, hey.”

Adam blinks himself awake. “Gansey,” he breathes out. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” he answers. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you to waking up. You had me— us —worried.”

“What about Yale?”

Confusion flashes across Adam’s face. “What do you mean what about Yale?”

“Well,” he starts. “You’re busy, aren’t you?”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he knows he said the wrong thing. Adam’s face falls and a hard glint replaces the concern in his eyes. “So what if I’m busy? You’re in the hospital, Gansey. Did you think I’d just ignore that?”

Irritation flashes at him. Barely a minute of conversation and they’re heading into an argument already. “Well, you’ve ignored me for the last month. What was I supposed to think?”

“You think I’m that callous? That heartless?” He sounds hurt. “I know I haven’t been the most reliable person lately and I’m sorry. I didn’t think it college would be that hard. But did you think I just stopped caring about you? That I don’t wish I can hear your voice and feel your hand in mine?”

There are tears hanging on his eyes now and he’s desperate to hold them back. “Then why did you stop calling me?”

Adam’s thumb wipes at the edge of his eyes. Even now, hurt and still a little bit angry, he cherishes the contact. “It’s hard, Gansey. I talk to you and I wish I could be right here in Henrietta with you. I miss you too much. I can’t bear it.”

The moment he stops talking he burrows his head on the hospital bed, hiding.

“Hey, hey. No.” Gansey reaches out and starts petting Adam’s hair. “You’re here. That matters more.”

“I’m sorry,” says Adam. He straightens up and looks Gansey in the eye. “I’m really sorry. I know I’ve been unfair to you. Everything feels too much and sometimes I get overwhelmed but please… Please always know, **you’re important, too.**”

“You guys done?” someone interrupts. “Because I have some words about both of your dramas.”

Gansey lets out a weak laugh. “Sure, Jane. For now, at least.”

10.

He steps out of the car and takes a deep, deep breath. He hasn’t been back in this town for almost three years. Plane tickets are expensive and his friends have opted to just visit him in New Haven instead of the other way around.

“Takes for the ride,” he tells Ronan.

“No problem, Parrish. We’ve missed you around.”

“Yeah?”

“You fishing for compliments?” Ronan wraps an arm on his shoulders and drags him forward to start walking to Monmouth. “Of course we did. You know Noah bugs me about calling you at least once a week, he’s pissed he can’t use phones by himself.”

“And Gansey?”

“Oh, you’ll see,” he answers with a smirk.

Ronan unlocks the door and starts shouting, “Gansey?” No answer. “Gansey?! You here?”

A thump. “What, Ro?”

“Will you come down? I got you something.”

“Oh, god. Is it a calf?” his voice is sounding closer. “I told you I don’t care if they’re really cute, I can’t raise one. How would I even—“

He stops talking when he sees Adam. This is probably the most unkempt he’s seen Gansey. He’s wearing a rumpled sweater, his glasses are askew and his hair is a wild tangle. God, he’s missed him. It’s been three months since his last visit and god, he just misses him.

“Adam,” he breathes out. The distance between them disappears as Gansey practically flies to his arms into a hug.

He tightens his grip on Gansey, burying his head into his neck and taking a breath. He smiles into his neck, “Hey, Gansey.”

“Alright,” he hears Ronan say. “I’m gonna find Noah.”

“You gonna be staying long?” Gansey asks, still not letting go of him.

“Sort of?”

He pulls back. “Sort of?”

Adam waves a hand at the suitcases and luggage stacked besides Ronan’s car. “For as long as you’ll have me, I guess.”

Delight is evident on Gansey’s face. “You mean that?”

Adam smiles a soft smile at him. “I do.” He reels Gansey back in and presses a kiss to his check. “I told you we’d get our chance.”

He laughs. “I know. I know.” He showers kisses on Adam’s face. “I believed you.”

The next time he leans it, Adam meets him halfway. Their lips slotting together into a kiss that’s been years in the making. All the years, the unsaid words, the longing they had being poured into the push and pull of their mouths.

“Gansey,” he whispers against his lips. “Gansey. _Gansey_. **_Gansey_**.” He gives him a fierce kiss. “I love you. **I will always love you.**”


End file.
